Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
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roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.