Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
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1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
ready to be harvested
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
*has no idea what a book even is*
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”