Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
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Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.