this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
You Might Also Like
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever