Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
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I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes