“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
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me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I have a new favorite meme page
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time