IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
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Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
You sure about that?
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”