Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
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Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I forgot how to panic. Help
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.