Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
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I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.