BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
You Might Also Like
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for