Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
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me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
This took me a second..
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.