Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
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They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶