The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
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Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps