Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
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This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Go girl power!
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)