Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
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“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Are you ok, human???
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.