I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
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I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!