I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
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My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Help Wanted
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭