ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
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My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Me My dog
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?