GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
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[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold