Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
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me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
yeah not falling for this one
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.