As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
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Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
For the baby who has everything
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.