Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
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My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
wtf is a larm clock?
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.