[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
You Might Also Like
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements