Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
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When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…