Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.