me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
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Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter