*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
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Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Science memes
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.