Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
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Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Friday
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.