Beware of fowl play.
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Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Owl Sanctuary
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???