[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
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“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.