[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
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Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!