Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
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Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Canadian owl: Eh?
ibopfufen
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.