Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
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If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable