I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
You Might Also Like
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!