Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: đź‘Ś
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ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?