PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
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Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
They grow up so quick
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
some cats are just doing for fun!
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.