Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
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Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.