Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
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My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old