I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
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Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
🤣🤣🤣
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Cause of death: Zumba