What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
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#Caturday
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
💯😂
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.