I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
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Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?