me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
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Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
My birth announcement for our third baby
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*