My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
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Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Only Americans understand
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!