Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
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*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys