[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
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American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.