Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
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Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
🙂🐾
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.