When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
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I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.