“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
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[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
👾👾👾
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.