Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
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cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Yup.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this