Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
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*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
What the dentist sees